I am Scared of the Silence Because of What I Will Hear in My Own Thoughts.

I found this sentence in an old journal of mine from a few years ago. It was during a time where I was struggling to make sense of my life. The best way I can describe it is, I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize the face staring back at me. I was loved, I was grateful for my life, but things just did not feel right, and deep down I knew it. Avoidance and numbing were my go to's. If I could just ignore those feelings, drowned out the thoughts that something was amiss, life would just course correct and everything would make sense.

Well, life did not automatically course correct and no amount of avoidance or numbing made things better.

What did, and still does is beginning to answer the questions - who am I, really, and how is it that I want to show up in my own life. Not based on someone else's definition or expectations, but deep within my core - what does it mean to belong in my own life?

Sometimes the silence still scares me, avoidance can still be a go-to for me. But more often than not I listen to those racing thoughts, I pay attention to why I want to avoid and numb them away, and when I can and it feels right, I reframe them so that I can show up in my own life - for me.

One of the biggest lessons I did learn through this process was its much harder to do alone. Sharing those racing thoughts with others can be scary ... will they judge me? Will they not understand me? Will they reject me? All real and true fears we may feel when start to uncover some of the reasons why we've pushed aside those thoughts for so long. I am here to tell you don't have to do it alone. Truly belonging in our own life begins with true connection, it begins with being able to show up exactly as we are, even if we might know who that is just yet.