Forgiveness
In working with clients, forgiveness is often a topic that rises to the surface of our conversations and often in the context of forgiving ourselves. Forgiveness ... forgiving others or our ourselves is a very intimate and personal journey, and one that often does not come easily. Forgiving myself was over a decade in the making, it was not easy and for a long time I held on to a lot because I felt like it was my necessary punishment for mistakes in the past to hold on to the guilt and shame. This practice of putting my words of forgiveness on to paper and sharing them was a cathartic and necessary one for me to let go of the guilt and shame and allow in joy and belonging.
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A few days ago I was speaking to someone about all of these exciting things I am inviting into my life. All of these new opportunities and challenges -- ALL things I want to do. Yet, in the same breath I was telling this person I also felt a little overwhelmed, worried I won't have the time or the energy to do it all, worried that my new joyful additions will begin to feel like expected obligations I must complete. I told her that for so many years I had been living a life out of expectation and not out of joy, and now that I was trying to reverse that, I was worried I would turn everything into expectations and push all the joy away. I would then be right back to where I was several years ago. I explained to them that I felt frustrated because I had wasted so much time doing things I didn't want to do, and was worried and sad I wouldn't be able to do all of things I wanted to because I let so many years go by without doing the things I truly wanted to do.
In finally taking a breath to pause myself and allow this person to speak, I was waiting for the, you just need to get organized, make sure your calendar is up to date, create lists, use every moment you can to get something done. Small things first, big these next.
Instead slowly and with intent, they explained to me that what they were hearing in all of the expectations and obligations and frustration and sadness of "wasted" time was forgiveness. That perhaps I needed to forgive myself for the ways in which I had spent my time before this moment and leave that behind as I moved into a new timeline of my life.
Forgiveness. Forgiveness. Forgiveness.
This word, softly spoken and handed to me like a fragile piece of glass hung both heavy and effervescent in the air. Tears filled my eyes and I sat completely still for a few moments. I have not forgiven myself. I have forged ahead, creating a new life that centers joy and love and creation. A life where I am leading with my heart and intuition and not out of some predetermined box of expectations I must fit in to. However, I just moved ahead. I did not release the past, release myself from the past, but instead I picked it ALL up and have been carrying it with me this entire time.
Today, I decide to put it all down, to let it go, to begin my new life timeline now. I do this without blaming and shaming myself for the things I did with my time in the past and I do it with hope for the future.
I forgive myself for living so many years out of expectation and obligation.
I forgive myself for putting myself in situations I did not want to be in.
I forgive myself for putting others in situations they did not want to be in.
I forgive the little girl I was, so consumed by anxiety and fear that she stayed small and quiet or erupted in bursts of anger and frustration because she did not have the words to express what she was feeling inside.
I forgive the teenager who felt like she need to "be someone" defined by others and the college student so focused and determined with getting that letter grade she left no time to explore the world around her.
I forgive myself for so many drunken regrets.
I forgive myself for the morning and days wasted feeling hungover and sick.
I forgive myself for trying to be perfect ALL OF THE TIME.
I forgive myself for hating my body and not believing it was capable of so many incredible things.
I forgive myself for trying so hard to fit in when all I wanted to do was belong.
I forgive myself for chasing status rather than contentment.
I forgive myself for spending so much time trying to numb the pain away.
I forgive myself for setting expectations so high that I forced myself to believe I was a failure when I could not reach them.
I forgive myself for staying small and quiet because I was afraid.
I forgive myself for not believing I was capable of anything.
I forgive myself for believing I was not worthy of loving kindness from myself.
I forgive myself for not believing that I, in my all my beautiful messiness, was enough.
I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.
Today I let it all go. I set down the burden of shame and self-blame. I look forward, my life timeline starting now, taking the lessons I have learned with me, but leaving behind the should haves, could haves, wish I hads.
Each and every day moving forward from this point I promise to remind myself that I am Capable. I am Worthy. I am Enough.
And that after all of it...forgiving myself means loving myself...unconditionally.